On the Road Again

What should have been one of the best weeks ever, has turned out to be one of the worst since we found out about the omphalocele.  I had put so much pressure on the amnio results.   And they were/are a BIG deal, but 2 seconds after I received them (and still on the phone with the nurse), I realized it was just another step in this journey.  It wasn't a cure.  It wasn't a fix.  She still has an omphalocele.

I'm not trying to get a pity party.  I don't need to hear the 'i'm sorry for what you're going through' speech. I just need to vent.  I need someone to sit there and listen...  and doesn't feel pressed to say anything back.

The blog takes it well. lol!  I write alot of sad things - and I never post them.  I TRY SO HARD to be happy and optimistic and only look at the bright side.  But I won't lie... I definitely have my bad days.  I need someone who truly knows - which there is no one on this planet who can - to tell me everything's gonna be alright.

People said "oh she's fine now."  um... no.  And I know what they meant.  I should be a little more happy about it too.  No, she still has a high risk of all the complications involved with O's.  I feel like we are just beginning.  But yes, she has a much better chance at survival now.  Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled with the results - but it was made clear she still has a long road ahead.  I have to laugh now: it really is a bump in the road.  

I have found so many more O blogs lately.  And I started crying and getting depressed again.  My advice to other O moms: do not read them all the time!  Even the really good successful stories will still make you cry. You find yourself jealous and envious because you hope your story can be that lucky.  It's good to read about other situations, but it.is.not.YOUR.baby.  Every baby is different.  I have found 2 mom's that make me LAUGH.  I may have to stick with just reading those.  I can not wait until I can crack jokes about Merritt's situation.   I haven't reached that point yet - but I'm definitely getting there.  Everytime I sit down to type - all I really want to do is cry.  

I remember the day after we got the news about the O.  I told Matt I wanted to plan a trip to the beach.  Then I read Angie Smith's book.  She went to DisneyWorld.  Granted, my situation is not even close to hers, but very similar in other respects.  I just want to escape.  I want to escape this whole deal.  I want it to go away or be over so bad.  I want to go somewhere that I don't have to think about it.  That I don't have to deal with it.  No, I'm not being a coward --- I am just exhausted.  I am so tired of crying.  I am tired of being angry at no one.  I am tired of dealing with it.  And don't take that out of context.  I am mentally stressed out.  I feel like God may start charging me if I pray one more time ;)  I feel like someone has tossed me into the air and I am free-falling.  Would someone please wake me up from this nightmare?

Baby Merritt has really increased her activity this week.  And I am loving every minute of it.  She reminds me that she has not given up on me yet.  She literally kicks some sense into me.  And I can't give up on her if she hasn't.  I read somewhere that O babies make you slow down and really appreciate every single day of being pregnant with them.  I agree, this is the longest pregnancy ever.  I think we counted 8 ultrasounds in less than 18 weeks and 11 doctor appointments in 20 weeks so far.  And I am only 21 weeks.  Holy smokes I can't imagine what the second half of this journey will hold.

And p.s.  I made my appointment for a prenatal massage and a haircut to de-stress before the next doctor's appointment  :)  I feel like Chevy Chase:  "[after rant]...Hallelujah!... where's the Tylenol?" 

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:29-31.