Sunday, November 23, 2014

How Do You Know?

Mati Claire has asked me some mind-blowing questions and/or comments in her 7 years.  Usually they occur while I'm driving and I've had to pull over on the side of the road a few times.

"Momma, that's weed….  weed, you know - the stuff that's bad for you."  ~age 3
"How do you make babies?  And don't give me the God answer."  ~age 6

That's just the two that stick out in my mind that I'm likely to never forget.  Today's question wasn't as mind blowing but still one I wasn't comfortable with explaining to her (and not to scare other mommies out there with kids in her class, no, I did not tell her anything and pleaded the Fifth.)

She was watching me get dressed - and as usual - she is fascinated with my boobs.  She starts asking me about breastfeeding the new baby -- which isn't anything new to her.  Without thinking, I said "yes, but this will be the LAST time."  She responded with "How do you know its the last baby?"

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a Duggar.  I'm not Catholic.  But I do believe God "will close the womb" when its time.  Luckily for us we live in the age of modern medicine and I think He will give and/or take away the desire to have more kids.   For most of my friends, that hits around kid #2.   When I met Matt, he told me he wanted 4 and I told him he was crazy.  We compromised on 3 and well, here we are with #4 on the way.  Most people have responded better than I expected, but instead of getting asked "Why?" I have been mainly asked "Was this one planned?"  Yes, he was.   Shocking to some people.

But with each one before, I was never struck with the thought "this is the last one!"  With Merritt, I will say we thought about it seriously.  During my C-section with her, my doctor asked me one more time if this was it.  For the life of me I could not answer her.  I wasn't ready to make it final.

Unfortunately for me, ALL types of birth control don't work for me.  I even tried an IUD and it was the most painful experience I've ever had.  Needless to say, they had to remove it and we learned that I have a 'tilted uterus.'

TMI?  Probably so.  Blame it on the hormones.

My point?  After going through the journey with Merritt and then experiencing another ~2 weeks of stress thinking baby #4 might have genetic abnormalities…. I can honestly say:   I. Am. Done.   I can NOT take the stress of doctor appointments and ultrasounds anymore.  I know I know… you would think Merritt would have done me in the first time, right?  Apparently not.  If anything, she did the opposite.  She gave me hope in all types of babies and inspired me to have a 100 more miracles.  But I'm over it after this past genetic testing.  The relief I felt when I got the all clear results - blew.me.away.  I realized I did not ever want to go through that again.  Twice is enough for me.   (I'm ignoring my age factor in this post too).

I absolutely love being pregnant and I would have 10 kids if I could (speaking of C-sections).  I am thrilled to be pregnant this time and very excited about this new little boy.  I can't imagine all the fun he will bring into the family, but again, I am over the stress.  If it was easy everyone would do it right?

One of my friends has 4 kids and just discovered she is pregnant with twins!  She is beyond shocked (but happy).  We were discussing the stress associated with twins in her case - genetics and/or abnormalities  in my case - and how basically it is left up to God.  We have no control and no planning capabilities.   Which we weren't saying we didn't have any faith or didn't want to leave it to God -- just the exact opposite really.  Living on faith is HARD!  Accepting His will is hard especially if it isn't in your plan.

Mati Claire may know more than the average 7 year old when it comes to C-sections and breastfeeding, but I draw the line at the birds and the bees… and tubal ligation.

When you know… you just know.  :)
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