Saturday, January 28, 2012

Facing Fears

I will eventually get around to posting a recent picture of Mati Claire and Mattox.  I have had so much going on that I don't think I've taken any since Christmas morning.

Psoriasis seems to be almost completely gone except for the white spots of new skin that need a tan!
A quick update on baby #3.  Hematoma had shrunk to less than 1cm so Dr. T took me off bedrest! Hallelujah!!!  I haven't bled in a month.  But you know if one problem goes just leaves the door open for another.  I don't feel up for sharing any other information,  but we saw some things on the ultrasound that were not considered normal and I have an appointment with a specialist in a few days.

Which leads me to my title.  What are your fears?  Especially as a mother?  I am going to be brutally honest and blunt.  I fear for my children's safety first.  I think every mother has "gone there" with their thoughts at some point in their life.  I know I have imagined every horrible thing that could ever happen to them because it is such a strong fear.  Death, car wreck, rape, kidnapping, severe trauma, abuse, not breathing as newborns, etc.  My next fear is along the same lines but involving other family members.  The list goes on:  house burning down, my children never finding salvation, burglary, school issues, someone suing me or making a mistake at work, losing a job... you get the idea.

As a mother, I would take each and every bad thing that will ever happen to them upon myself if I could.  I know they have to experience things to learn, but you know what I mean.  I would take it.  After my doctor's appointment, I have done some serious soul-searching.  Some serious crying.  Reading, researching, talking.  And some serious praying.  Usually one asks God, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?  Surprisingly, I didn't ask that this time.  After a few days, my only question was "what purpose does it serve?" "what good can come out of it?"   And I know one of the obvious answers is love.  And I'll get to that.  But as if God was speaking right to me, I thought "to make you face and perhaps live your fear and bring you closer to me."   Some part of me was so afraid... you think you can't live.  To be honest, I couldn't breathe.  We always hear someone say, "I just don't know what I'd do if {insert name of fear} happened to me."   Well, you call on Jesus.  You lean on Him.  I'm telling you that I am staring that fear right smack in the face and the ONLY thing that gives me peace is Jesus.  A lot of times I don't say anything to those who have lost loved ones.  Mainly because I know nothing I say will help them or ease their pain.  I am usually so upset myself, that all I can muster out is "I love you and I'm here for you."  How do I explain what has helped me...... read Phil 4:6-7; Psalm 73:26; Psalm 139; and 1 Peter 4.  I have found myself even more addicted to KLOVE radio (if that was even possible) and caught myself reading the Bible on my phone at red lights.  I am yearning for that peace that I didn't think possible before.  I heard Jesus whispering, "I love you and I'm here for you."

I think as mothers, God blessed us with that special love that we would do anything for our children.  And that is how Jesus loves his children.  He loved us so much that he wanted to take away our pain.  He is truly giving me the 'peace that surpasses all understanding'... after a few days to collect myself.  How could I not lean on Him, when He knows exactly what I'm going through.  As women, we tend to find support groups of friends that understand and have similar experiences.  To me, Jesus has been in my position. He knows pain.

What else have I learned in the past 96 hours?  A.LOT.  Matt and I have discussed things (as much as he will) that I never dreamed we'd be discussing.  We've become even closer -- again, if that was even possible.  Can't imagine what 20 years of marriage will be like ;)   Learned so many medical terms that I've have never heard of, which is bad in our house (Matt knew).  I learned that my praying was off.  I was jumping straight to the "meat" of the prayer and the "I wants" but was forgetting everything else I have to be thankful for.  Didn't realize it, but I was taking my kids for granted in a way - as much as I hate to admit that.  Seriously... in the day to day you sit down and just take in your child's beautifulness? Is that even a word?  Not talking about physical beauty either... just at how perfect they are and how all of us are created in His image.  At what a miracle they are.  All of a sudden, I look at my kids in a new light.  God is in every situation - whether we know it or not.

So I am facing a giant fear.  We need every prayer we can get.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

How Easy It Is

to forget!!! The doctor can go ahead and label my chart with a 'Caution: Alzheimer's patient' sticker.

1)  Matt had to remind me this morning that it was my birthday.  yep.  Woke me up by telling me Happy Birthday and I actually said "huh?".....what are you talking about?  i had no clue.  My first thoughts consisted of 'i have to get mc dressed, need to get breakfast going, mom's not here so get up...'  btw, Gigi is getting a much needed break from Mattox.  

2)  and no matter how many kids you have... i don't think you ever remember just how BAD you feel with each one.  Because if you did - you certainly wouldn't do it again.  How can I forget that morning sickness doesn't go away at the end of first trimester like "it should."  And just the overall BLAH feeling.  No energy.  Headaches.  Nausea.  Lack of appetite.  Stretching pains.  Back aches.  Lack of mental clarity.    And with each episode of whatever...i say to myself "oh i forgot about that."  

3)  Then I'm eating at a restaurant.  I eat whatever I feel like because nothing goes over well anyway.  My goal when ordering is to find something that won't make me throw up.  Then a friend says "Aren't you pregnant?"  and hinting at the fact that its not on a pregnancy or healthy diet.   I reply by shoving another bite in my mouth.  Yes I am.  But I didn't want to admit the real reason --- i FORGOT!!  I forgot I wasn't suppose to eat feta cheese or shrimp.  Yes, full off pride.  

So if you walk past me and I don't see/recognize/speak to you - I apologize and my brain will hopefully return in approximately 6 months (+plus a few for sleep deprivation).   

So I've edited this post to add this quick story:
MC:  "did your friends forget to come to your party tonight?"
Me: "well, when you get my age you don't really have birthday parties like you do."
MC: " must be really old then.  my friends wouldn't forget."

yes...i am that old that i would forget my own party. love that little stinker. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy New Year 2012

I am so looking forward to this year! Its not a resolution, but I hope to improve myself physically first.  And I am not talking about losing weight.  My goal is to recover from psoriasis and being on bedrest for pregnancy.  I feel like my body has reached its limit all at once.  I feel like I've been hit from every angle.  And my C-section is not even here yet.  I'll really be begging for mercy then.  I need a haircut, bikini wax, eyebrow wax... oh heck, just give me a total makeover.

I hope to spend as much time with loved ones as I possibly can this year (and every year).  Can't wait to meet a new special baby that I know is a gift from God.  I feel like my excitement is beginning to take over lately and I probably need to reel myself back in... we're not out of the woods yet.

I lost a dear old friend yesterday in Vicksburg.  Shelly was one of the most genuine people I have ever met.  She was the sweetest, nicest, funniest, strongest, and most loyal friend.  She was one of those people that never did anything wrong in her entire life (granted I know we all have) - but I couldn't imagine anything bad ever happening to her.  Some people have said it brings them more sadness, but I find peace in knowing she is in heaven with her mom.  You know Mrs. Donna was there welcoming her.   Shelly was older than me so we never had classes together - in fact, I don't even know how we really met - except our moms worked together - we were just naturally friends.  A true friend.  She will be missed.

I pulled out an old picture album to post one of Shelly and me.  I couldn't find one to do her justice, but if you are ever looking for a very funny and memorable conversation.... let your 4 1/2 year old daughter look through the pictures with you.  It was from 1988 - 1990.  75% of my pictures have something to do with ballet.
MC: "what are you doing here?"
Me:  "I took ballet for many years back then"
MC: "so you were a ballerina?"
Me: "yeah i guess"
MC: "oh.... but now you're a mom."  

MC:  (looking at a picture of me in school) "is that you, mom?"
Me: "yeah"
MC:  "were you special?"
A million things ran through my mind. No, I wasn't special.  I thought about Shelly.  She was special.
May we all enjoy the new year.  May we all hug a little tighter, smile a little bigger, pray a little more often, sing a little louder, and drive a little slower.