Saturday, January 28, 2012

Facing Fears

I will eventually get around to posting a recent picture of Mati Claire and Mattox.  I have had so much going on that I don't think I've taken any since Christmas morning.

Psoriasis seems to be almost completely gone except for the white spots of new skin that need a tan!
A quick update on baby #3.  Hematoma had shrunk to less than 1cm so Dr. T took me off bedrest! Hallelujah!!!  I haven't bled in a month.  But you know if one problem goes just leaves the door open for another.  I don't feel up for sharing any other information,  but we saw some things on the ultrasound that were not considered normal and I have an appointment with a specialist in a few days.

Which leads me to my title.  What are your fears?  Especially as a mother?  I am going to be brutally honest and blunt.  I fear for my children's safety first.  I think every mother has "gone there" with their thoughts at some point in their life.  I know I have imagined every horrible thing that could ever happen to them because it is such a strong fear.  Death, car wreck, rape, kidnapping, severe trauma, abuse, not breathing as newborns, etc.  My next fear is along the same lines but involving other family members.  The list goes on:  house burning down, my children never finding salvation, burglary, school issues, someone suing me or making a mistake at work, losing a job... you get the idea.

As a mother, I would take each and every bad thing that will ever happen to them upon myself if I could.  I know they have to experience things to learn, but you know what I mean.  I would take it.  After my doctor's appointment, I have done some serious soul-searching.  Some serious crying.  Reading, researching, talking.  And some serious praying.  Usually one asks God, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?  Surprisingly, I didn't ask that this time.  After a few days, my only question was "what purpose does it serve?" "what good can come out of it?"   And I know one of the obvious answers is love.  And I'll get to that.  But as if God was speaking right to me, I thought "to make you face and perhaps live your fear and bring you closer to me."   Some part of me was so afraid... you think you can't live.  To be honest, I couldn't breathe.  We always hear someone say, "I just don't know what I'd do if {insert name of fear} happened to me."   Well, you call on Jesus.  You lean on Him.  I'm telling you that I am staring that fear right smack in the face and the ONLY thing that gives me peace is Jesus.  A lot of times I don't say anything to those who have lost loved ones.  Mainly because I know nothing I say will help them or ease their pain.  I am usually so upset myself, that all I can muster out is "I love you and I'm here for you."  How do I explain what has helped me...... read Phil 4:6-7; Psalm 73:26; Psalm 139; and 1 Peter 4.  I have found myself even more addicted to KLOVE radio (if that was even possible) and caught myself reading the Bible on my phone at red lights.  I am yearning for that peace that I didn't think possible before.  I heard Jesus whispering, "I love you and I'm here for you."

I think as mothers, God blessed us with that special love that we would do anything for our children.  And that is how Jesus loves his children.  He loved us so much that he wanted to take away our pain.  He is truly giving me the 'peace that surpasses all understanding'... after a few days to collect myself.  How could I not lean on Him, when He knows exactly what I'm going through.  As women, we tend to find support groups of friends that understand and have similar experiences.  To me, Jesus has been in my position. He knows pain.

What else have I learned in the past 96 hours?  A.LOT.  Matt and I have discussed things (as much as he will) that I never dreamed we'd be discussing.  We've become even closer -- again, if that was even possible.  Can't imagine what 20 years of marriage will be like ;)   Learned so many medical terms that I've have never heard of, which is bad in our house (Matt knew).  I learned that my praying was off.  I was jumping straight to the "meat" of the prayer and the "I wants" but was forgetting everything else I have to be thankful for.  Didn't realize it, but I was taking my kids for granted in a way - as much as I hate to admit that.  Seriously... in the day to day you sit down and just take in your child's beautifulness? Is that even a word?  Not talking about physical beauty either... just at how perfect they are and how all of us are created in His image.  At what a miracle they are.  All of a sudden, I look at my kids in a new light.  God is in every situation - whether we know it or not.

So I am facing a giant fear.  We need every prayer we can get.


picturesofhisgrace said...

Life is so hard sometimes. I am so sorry that you and Matt are having to face this situation. I will be praying for the baby, for you and Matt to feel God's peace, and that the Lord will be glorified thru this situation. He has already used you to glorify Him, thru you sharing your fears and telling everyone who you are leaning on. I truly believe He does allow us to come to a point in our lives, where all we can do is look up to Him and ask Him to help. His peace is like no other. His Word is the best soothing balm to comfort and heal our hearts. No one understands like He does. Love you guys...all of you are in our prayers!

Erin said...

Still praying for you guys! I can't imagine the situation you are in but I can understand the fear. It cripples us and forces us to draw closer to God. Maybe that's the 'plan' for all of this. We can't see the forest for the trees. Keep me posted!

Taylor & Krisa said...

Thinking of you and praying for you! What a testimony!


Carrie, sweet thing, I love you and I am praying for you. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away. BUt I know this, God has the plan. Now here is the hard part: Letting go and letting God. Praying Hs will be done. XO KJ