O Baby

Sorry this is long.  Where do I begin?  I will say that I was a bit distraught in my last post.  Couldn't see past my own nose.  Couldn't see any preferable future.  But God is doing a number on me!!  And sometimes I think to myself that He is up there smiling on this situation and even laughing (which I would be too if you only knew the things I tell Him).  I truly believe God has a sense of humor.  There is absolutely nothing funny about baby #3's condition, but I got tickled during a prayer and made a joke that He could easily tell me what the gender was... that night I had a dream that it was a girl.  It was the first time I had laughed in 2 weeks.  And today we found out it was a girl!  Mati Claire is SOOOO excited!  She truly believes in Santa Claus now.  #1 on her Christmas list was a baby sister.

In just a few days, we have moved from shock and despair to optimistic.  2 weeks ago, I felt I got the death sentence from Dr. T.  Through the whole appointment, all I can remember hearing her say was that "it may be livable or not livable."  Of course it wasn't until I got home and started researching did I understand what she meant.

Baby Miley has an omphalocele.  "A what?" check out the link.  If you Google it, it will show very unpleasant and disturbing pictures, so I don't recommend that.  Hers appears to be holding her intestines and liver on the outside.  I was blind.  I couldn't see past the grotesque part of the baby to see that it is STILL a beautiful baby that needs help.  I thought I was carrying a "problem child".   Yes - call me a terrible mother for thinking that.  Its amazing just how low your mind will go.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  One mother of an O baby blogged how it was a "bump in the road" when it was diagnosed but still had an awesome attitude.  A bump???  I considered it a pothole.  Or even a landslide.  An earthquake.  I wanted her attitude.  It gets worse...keep reading.

Let me back up.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was covered in psoriasis that itched and burned like I have never felt before.  My skin was on fire.  All I could think about was my medicine and how getting pregnant (which was a slight surprise) ruined any chance for treatment.  I had read that some pregnancies will help but doesn't cure.  This was the first of my babies that I cried over the positive home pregnancy test because it wasn't the right time.  Then within a week later, I started bleeding pretty heavy with the hematoma... I was told to go home and wait to miscarry.  I was put on bedrest and thought that just messed my plans up for my job and the holidays.  I know I know...very selfish.  You don't have to remind me... God does that everyday for me.  Then add nausea and fatigue to the list.  I couldn't get excited over throwing up and living off zofran.  Needless to say, I was never 100% excited.   More like 100% scared...sad. Don't get me wrong... I was happy, but I was also in physical pain.  I couldn't see God's plan.  Then we get diagnosed with the big O!  I mean really, what else can God throw at me? Didn't see that one coming either.

God has somewhat "cured" my psoriasis for a time.  And then it hit me.  He is pulling me out of my nice comfortable bubble that I live in...to show me just how good and how great He is.  Things that only He can do.  He is opening my eyes to a whole new world of living in fear, living for the unseen, and just living on faith.  He is forcing me to trust him on a whole new level...something I had never done before.  I prayed to God to change my attitude and He did!

We prayed for our next appointment with the specialist.  Prayed MANY times a day.  Was reading the story of Daniel to Mati Claire....she asked why he prayed 3 times a day.  I told her we should be praying more than that! Then God asked me, "why are you only praying like this when something bad is happening to you?" .... wow.  Can I get an Amen? Talk about putting me in my place.  I mean I was getting on my knees, going through the correct steps of a good prayer - numerous times a day.  All for baby.  Then I read Angie Smith's book "I Will Carry You."  She mentions the story of Lazarus several times.  In that, Mary and Martha don't ask Jesus to heal Lazarus... they just said "Lazarus is sick."  God already knows the troubles we have.  Jesus already knows what's wrong with baby girl.  Just state the simple fact.... and trust that He will do His job (whether its in your favor or not).  I am trusting that His will be done regardless of what I want.  I find myself saying the same repetitive prayer - and I'm pretty sure God got it the first time I said it.   ;)  God has surrounded me with peace and as much understanding that's allowed.  After a few days, I am only seeing the positive and have a completely new attitude towards this baby.  One I should have had from the beginning.  Please don't misunderstand me.... loving this baby was never a question... I just couldn't get behind the excitement.  Does that make sense?  I told God it was okay to take her if that was His plan and what was best for her.  Part of me can understand death better than a newborn baby suffering like this.  Is that horrible of me to say???

He forced me to look at why was I praying for baby to be healed.  Because deep - WAY deep down - this "problem" would pop our little perfect bubble we live in.  Then I thought there is NO way I could be a good enough mother to this child because I was selfish.  All I could think was how I couldn't take care of it.  I have no clue how to handle a NICU baby.  NG tubes, oxygen tubes, surgeries, respiratory arrest, omphalocele, gastric problems...... I can't handle this.  I...I....I... I....me...me.....me.... talk about selfish.   So why would God choose me?

Because I can handle it.  I will learn how to care for her.  And I have A LOT of love to give her.  A LOT.  And no, I won't be able to hold her for a long time or physically breastfeed her because she will be in the NICU on her back, I won't be able to tickle her belly-button because she won't have one, or blow kisses on her belly because I won't be able to hold her or touch it.  But I can tickle her sweet toes and kiss her on her head and tell her how much I love her.   God is healing my heart and sending me through the valley so I can truly appreciate the miracle on the other side.   And God willing...if everything goes like today's appointment.... she will be okay eventually.

Dr. P had to offer me the right to terminate the pregnancy.  Wow.  I must have been in the pit of hell.  Who could do that if there's a chance it will be made whole in time?  Who could do that period?  I couldn't believe I was sitting there.  Very surreal.

I will have an amniocentesis done in a few weeks to determine if there are any chromosomal abnormalities associated with baby girl.  If there are, her chances of survival are slim.  I am aware that the risk is still higher so I'm not completely delusional.  But we are optimistic because she is such a fighter! She has been hanging on to life since day 1.  I am already proud of her!

We don't know if we will stay in Jackson - that is one of the biggest questions.  Obviously we would like to be close, but we also want experienced surgeons.  Her umbilical cord only has 1 artery and 1 vein (normally has 2 arteries and 1 vein)... so she is very small but Dr. P said that was normal in these babies.  She was too small to see her heart as well as he would have liked, but we will have a fetal echocardiogram done at 20-22 weeks to see if there is a heart defect.    But most of our questions will come down to the amnio results in March.  Please pray for our family.  Again, we are optimistic but its easy to fall into the depression and downside of it.  Pray that God heals us all and keeps us focused on Him.

Facing Fears

I will eventually get around to posting a recent picture of Mati Claire and Mattox.  I have had so much going on that I don't think I've taken any since Christmas morning.

Psoriasis seems to be almost completely gone except for the white spots of new skin that need a tan!
A quick update on baby #3.  Hematoma had shrunk to less than 1cm so Dr. T took me off bedrest! Hallelujah!!!  I haven't bled in a month.  But you know if one problem goes away...it just leaves the door open for another.  I don't feel up for sharing any other information,  but we saw some things on the ultrasound that were not considered normal and I have an appointment with a specialist in a few days.

Which leads me to my title.  What are your fears?  Especially as a mother?  I am going to be brutally honest and blunt.  I fear for my children's safety first.  I think every mother has "gone there" with their thoughts at some point in their life.  I know I have imagined every horrible thing that could ever happen to them because it is such a strong fear.  Death, car wreck, rape, kidnapping, severe trauma, abuse, not breathing as newborns, etc.  My next fear is along the same lines but involving other family members.  The list goes on:  house burning down, my children never finding salvation, burglary, school issues, someone suing me or making a mistake at work, losing a job... you get the idea.

As a mother, I would take each and every bad thing that will ever happen to them upon myself if I could.  I know they have to experience things to learn, but you know what I mean.  I would take it.  After my doctor's appointment, I have done some serious soul-searching.  Some serious crying.  Reading, researching, talking.  And some serious praying.  Usually one asks God, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?  Surprisingly, I didn't ask that this time.  After a few days, my only question was "what purpose does it serve?" "what good can come out of it?"   And I know one of the obvious answers is love.  And I'll get to that.  But as if God was speaking right to me, I thought "to make you face and perhaps live your fear and bring you closer to me."   Some part of me was so afraid... you think you can't live.  To be honest, I couldn't breathe.  We always hear someone say, "I just don't know what I'd do if {insert name of fear} happened to me."   Well, you call on Jesus.  You lean on Him.  I'm telling you that I am staring that fear right smack in the face and the ONLY thing that gives me peace is Jesus.  A lot of times I don't say anything to those who have lost loved ones.  Mainly because I know nothing I say will help them or ease their pain.  I am usually so upset myself, that all I can muster out is "I love you and I'm here for you."  How do I explain what has helped me...... read Phil 4:6-7; Psalm 73:26; Psalm 139; and 1 Peter 4.  I have found myself even more addicted to KLOVE radio (if that was even possible) and caught myself reading the Bible on my phone at red lights.  I am yearning for that peace that I didn't think possible before.  I heard Jesus whispering, "I love you and I'm here for you."

I think as mothers, God blessed us with that special love that we would do anything for our children.  And that is how Jesus loves his children.  He loved us so much that he wanted to take away our pain.  He is truly giving me the 'peace that surpasses all understanding'... after a few days to collect myself.  How could I not lean on Him, when He knows exactly what I'm going through.  As women, we tend to find support groups of friends that understand and have similar experiences.  To me, Jesus has been in my position. He knows pain.

What else have I learned in the past 96 hours?  A.LOT.  Matt and I have discussed things (as much as he will) that I never dreamed we'd be discussing.  We've become even closer -- again, if that was even possible.  Can't imagine what 20 years of marriage will be like ;)   Learned so many medical terms that I've have never heard of, which is bad in our house (Matt knew).  I learned that my praying was off.  I was jumping straight to the "meat" of the prayer and the "I wants" but was forgetting everything else I have to be thankful for.  Didn't realize it, but I was taking my kids for granted in a way - as much as I hate to admit that.  Seriously... in the day to day chaos...do you sit down and just take in your child's beautifulness? Is that even a word?  Not talking about physical beauty either... just at how perfect they are and how all of us are created in His image.  At what a miracle they are.  All of a sudden, I look at my kids in a new light.  God is in every situation - whether we know it or not.

So I am facing a giant fear.  We need every prayer we can get.

How Easy It Is

to forget!!! The doctor can go ahead and label my chart with a 'Caution: Alzheimer's patient' sticker.

1)  Matt had to remind me this morning that it was my birthday.  yep.  Woke me up by telling me Happy Birthday and I actually said "huh?".....what are you talking about?  i had no clue.  My first thoughts consisted of 'i have to get mc dressed, need to get breakfast going, mom's not here so get up...'  btw, Gigi is getting a much needed break from Mattox.  

2)  and no matter how many kids you have... i don't think you ever remember just how BAD you feel with each one.  Because if you did - you certainly wouldn't do it again.  How can I forget that morning sickness doesn't go away at the end of first trimester like "it should."  And just the overall BLAH feeling.  No energy.  Headaches.  Nausea.  Lack of appetite.  Stretching pains.  Back aches.  Lack of mental clarity.    And with each episode of whatever...i say to myself "oh i forgot about that."  

3)  Then I'm eating at a restaurant.  I eat whatever I feel like because nothing goes over well anyway.  My goal when ordering is to find something that won't make me throw up.  Then a friend says "Aren't you pregnant?"  and hinting at the fact that its not on a pregnancy or healthy diet.   I reply by shoving another bite in my mouth.  Yes I am.  But I didn't want to admit the real reason --- i FORGOT!!  I forgot I wasn't suppose to eat feta cheese or shrimp.  Yes, full off pride.  

So if you walk past me and I don't see/recognize/speak to you - it.is.not.you.its.me. I apologize and my brain will hopefully return in approximately 6 months (+plus a few for sleep deprivation).   

So I've edited this post to add this quick story:
MC:  "did your friends forget to come to your party tonight?"
Me: "well, when you get my age you don't really have birthday parties like you do."
MC: "wow...you must be really old then.  my friends wouldn't forget."

yes...i am that old that i would forget my own party. love that little stinker. 

Happy New Year 2012

I am so looking forward to this year! Its not a resolution, but I hope to improve myself physically first.  And I am not talking about losing weight.  My goal is to recover from psoriasis and being on bedrest for pregnancy.  I feel like my body has reached its limit all at once.  I feel like I've been hit from every angle.  And my C-section is not even here yet.  I'll really be begging for mercy then.  I need a haircut, bikini wax, eyebrow wax... oh heck, just give me a total makeover.

I hope to spend as much time with loved ones as I possibly can this year (and every year).  Can't wait to meet a new special baby that I know is a gift from God.  I feel like my excitement is beginning to take over lately and I probably need to reel myself back in... we're not out of the woods yet.

I lost a dear old friend yesterday in Vicksburg.  Shelly was one of the most genuine people I have ever met.  She was the sweetest, nicest, funniest, strongest, and most loyal friend.  She was one of those people that never did anything wrong in her entire life (granted I know we all have) - but I couldn't imagine anything bad ever happening to her.  Some people have said it brings them more sadness, but I find peace in knowing she is in heaven with her mom.  You know Mrs. Donna was there welcoming her.   Shelly was older than me so we never had classes together - in fact, I don't even know how we really met - except our moms worked together - we were just naturally friends.  A true friend.  She will be missed.

I pulled out an old picture album to post one of Shelly and me.  I couldn't find one to do her justice, but if you are ever looking for a very funny and memorable conversation.... let your 4 1/2 year old daughter look through the pictures with you.  It was from 1988 - 1990.  75% of my pictures have something to do with ballet.
MC: "what are you doing here?"
Me:  "I took ballet for many years back then"
MC: "so you were a ballerina?"
Me: "yeah i guess"
MC: "oh.... but now you're a mom."  

MC:  (looking at a picture of me in school) "is that you, mom?"
Me: "yeah"
MC:  "were you special?"
A million things ran through my mind. No, I wasn't special.  I thought about Shelly.  She was special.
 
May we all enjoy the new year.  May we all hug a little tighter, smile a little bigger, pray a little more often, sing a little louder, and drive a little slower.  

Run Spot Run

Here's an update on my skin....ha - in case anyone is actually interested.  sounds stupid now that I type it out.  it must feel like reading a dermatology book, right?  The newer picture on the right was taken a few weeks ago... so it looks even better now.  I've read that pregnancy will "treat" it during that time, but that usually after delivery, it will come back with a vengeance.  So I'm mentally preparing myself to look like the left picture again in the near future.  I wasn't able to start any of my herbs that worked 10 years ago because I found out I was pregnant, so pregnancy really does help.  My OB joked that maybe I should stay pregnant - WHAT.EVER.  Looks like I get to enjoy a 'not-too-itchy' pregnancy... thank heavens!  The new skin is stark white so now my arms and back look like the Michael Jackson syndrome (looks like vitiligo but its not).  I can deal with discoloration though.  Long story short = its gone from almost unbearable to tolerable.  Yay!  

And I don't have an update on baby - except its still hanging in there.  I go back next week.  Prayers are appreciated.   God is good!

Surprise!

I have purposely NOT been blogging.  Because the only news to share at the moment is skating on thin ice.  Yes, we are pregnant with baby #3!!!  Due in July.  Thought every thing was going well... was even working alot to get some extra Christmas money.  At 6 weeks, I started bleeding heavily at work.  I never even spotted with the other 2 so this completely shocked me.  Started cramping bad.  Called Matt, called the doctor, then called my boss to tell him I was walking out of the pharmacy.  I have ALWAYS wanted to walk out and close down a pharmacy in the middle of the day - but NOT for this reason.  We were going to wait to tell anyone until Christmas Day...but this little fighter likes attention already.  I cried all the way to the hospital because I KNEW I had miscarried.  Called mom and told her 'not only am i pregnant but now i'm miscarrying.'   Got to the hospital and surprise!!! There's a heartbeat! Praise the Lord.  They told me I had a threatened miscarriage... basically go home and wait to miscarry.  I bled all week and went back the next week.  There's STILL a heartbeat! But this time they see a large hematoma (sub-chorionic hematoma = SCH).  Basically, its an internal bleed/ blood clot of unknown cause.  So I have a high risk of miscarriage and they put me on bedrest.  They just keep watching it and it will either get reabsorbed, pass (hopefully without the baby), or stay for 9 months.  It doesn't usually affect the baby (unless it causes a miscarriage), but doesn't affect the physical development.   I went back today and the hematoma had shrunk 1 cm (originally measured over 5 cm and now its a little over 4 cm).  And the baby had grown.  I still bleed everyday.  You can't really tell what's what in this picture.  But the baby is at the top...and the little black hole is it's brain.  You also can't see the hematoma in this picture but maybe I'll post it later...its interesting.  They think the little round ball at the bottom is a PIECE of the hematoma.   Still on bedrest but I am thanking the good God above for Gigi.  My mom is here helping me.   I'm not allowed to pick up my kids and that's difficult when you have a 21 month old.

Some people are probably wondering why I am announcing it.  First of all, its a miracle.  And honestly, I can't hide this belly much longer.  But seriously, bedrest has changed things.  You can imagine all the questions and praying that goes through my head.  If I still miscarry, then we can discuss that then.  But I am optimistic and pray heavily that this baby makes it healthy and full term!  God has a plan.  I don't understand it but I am okay with whatever He gives me.

.... and I'm predicting a girl.  Could be wrong... but that's just my mother's intuition.  This one likes drama.  And I've been 100% right 50% of the time.  (I thought all of mine were girls).  lol ;)

Merry Christmas to everyone!! We are blessed... x3.

Thankful

I am thankful for so many things.  First my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Without Him, I would be nothing.  I am thankful He died for me when I do not deserve it.  He saves me... every single day.  Then I am thankful for my family.  People say that a lot, but I don't know if a lot of people give the reasons they are thankful for their family.  Matt is my other rock.  He keeps me grounded.  He always gives me a practical and logical answer - which I am thankful is usually the 'non-stressful' answer.  I can see where Mati Claire comes from.  He sees things differently than I do and for that I am so thankful.  And he still makes me laugh.  My kids do too.  I am thankful for them.  They teach me way more than I ever expected.  They have taught me to be more patient.  And to see things through their eyes is absolutely amazing.  I am thankful for every single minute with them.

I am thankful for a roof over my head.  I've had one of those months where I've been praying for a rainy day to stay inside and do nothing.  A day where I didn't have to try to cover these spots up...or pretend I don't itch from head to toe.  God blessed us with rain today! And we stayed in and decorated the Christmas tree.  Tried to ignore my 2 little one's being Scrooges, and forced the Christmas spirit upon them.  I couldn't even get mad at Mattox when he broke ornaments, because I am thankful for the time we had together today.

I am thankful for my parents and sister.  They are still teaching me and helping me.  Whether its a cooking question, or a parenting question, or a 'how-do-i-fix-this' question - they always help me.   And they are always there for me.

The list goes on and on.... but I'll cut it off there.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! My 2 turkeys have slept late every morning this week so they will learn to be thankful for holiday breaks from school eventually.