Amnio Appt

I had written a post the night before my amnio, but it was very sad and depressing ... so I decided not to post it.  Lets just say I have cried alot on the days leading up to my appointment.  Was beginning to get down and had an overall negative feeling about it.  The procedure has really been out of mind the last 2 weeks so I honestly did not think about the results or any of the possibilities.  She doesn't move as much as my other 2 babies did, and I remind myself that every baby is different and that does not mean anything.

I have learned that I deal with issues by ignoring them, pushing them out of mind or on the back burner.   But eventually it will catch up with you and you are forced to deal with it.

March 1st crept quickly.  The amnio really decides ours and her future.  It can be the greatest or worst day ever.  Babies with omphaloceles have UP to a 60% chance of having a chromosomal abnormality among other defects.   In the middle of one of my cry-sessions, I started praying (I tend to do that when I feel out of control).  I was telling God that we/doctors can fix an omphalocele.... but I can't fix a chromosomal problem... I can't fix trisomy... I can't fix this.  Now I am beginning to think that I am going a little insane. My thoughts range from one extreme to the other.  Then I feel guilty for even thinking some things.  But I heard God whisper in my ear "[No YOU can't fix it] ............. but I can."   The I WAS, the I AM, and the I WILL BE.  He has been reminding me that even if she does have a chromosomal problem and doesn't survive here on earth, she will be okay.  still.  She will be with HIM! And that's SO much better than life here.  No, it doesn't make it any easier but it does give me the peace and understanding that I so desperately need.  So I went to the appointment very frazzled and pessimistic.  I thought that overall we were due some more bad news soon.  Matt kept my mind at ease while we played Family Feud on his iPhone.  Waiting in the waiting room for 1 hour didn't help.  

We did the ultrasound first and then the amnio.  I was floored with emotions. And quite the opposite of what I was expecting.  Baby girl looks GREAT (minus the omphalocele)!!! Dr. P couldn't find anything that had developed since our last appointment.  AND she has a fully functioning umbilical cord now!  (She had the second artery last time but there was not adequate blood flow or it appeared to be 'cut off' somehow) but that second artery was working fine! Wow.  Praise God!  He looked at her heart for at least 30 minutes, and could not see anything abnormal at this stage.  I still have to get a fetal echo at my next appointment, but he was optimistic.  Her stomach was still where it should be, and no other organs had protruded into the O sac.  He reminded me that it is still very possible that organs can move into the sac (besides the intestines and liver).  She loves to wave at us and was completely stretched out.  She tried to hide a few times so Dr. P called her "secretive."  I thought that was funny = she is such a girl!

The umbilical cord is not inserted in the placenta correctly (should be on top of it but its in the side) but he was not worried about it.  Dr. P is so level-headed.  As optimistic as he could get, he also reminds us that she could still not make it for numerous reasons.  Even though she appears to be 'fine' now, there are so many things that could develop as she gets bigger.  Scoliosis, heart defects, more organs protruding, diaphragm issues, O sac rupturing, obviously amnio could show chromosomal abnormalities, stillborn, SIDS, and the list goes on.

But for the FIRST time ---- I.WAS.EXCITED. to see her!!! I know Dr. P tries to bring me back to a realistic level but I couldn't help myself.  For the first time in 18 weeks, I thought to myself.. "she's going to be ok."

Dr. P kept my mind on other things and kept me laughing the whole time.  Um, while he's pulling out needles the length of my arm.  The lidocaine shot to numb my stomach hurt the worst.  Like a really big bee sting.  Reminded me of my spinal block for my C-sections.  Then he went with the actual amnio needle.  Didn't hurt until he had to go through my uterus.  Yep... that was bound to leave a mark.  I didn't DARE look down at my stomach, but I could see the needle on the ultrasound screen.  Very weird.  It was in a pocket of fluid down by her feet.  He pulled 3 vials of fluid out (approximately 15 ml's) and it looked like urine! Not sure what I expected amniotic fluid to look like, but I was surprised at yellow water.  My water has never broken with my previous pregnancies - so maybe its the same as that?  The amnio went well.  He rechecked baby's heartbeat and said she didn't even know we were there! lol.  Um, is this a clone of Mati Claire?  She reminds me SO much of MC already.  I got down from table and went to the bathroom to get dressed.  The nurse had told me all the things to expect after a procedure like this.  As I was getting dressed, I thought to myself "man, i must be one of the lucky ones - i feel fine."  THEN I took about 5 steps out of the bathroom.  And they.are.not.lying.  Contractions and cramping! Whoa! Okay, so maybe I'm not one of the lucky ones.  lol ;)  The contractions have stopped but I am extremely sore.  Feel like I've run about 5 miles and I have a cramp in my side.  Feel like a truck hit me.  Feel like I got a giant flu shot in my stomach.  lol  But the best part is I am not going to spend the next 10 days crying over it.  Baby girl has given me hope.  And I left the office with a smile on my face!!!

The countdown is on.  Results come back in 9-10 days.  We are looking for all chromosomal abnormalities but primarily trisomy 13, 18, 21 (Down's), and a few others.  I would greatly appreciate the continuing of prayers.  Matt was holding my hand during the procedure and God had the other.  And I think baby girl would have given me her hand too if she could have (see pic below).  ;)

T minus 1 day...

First picture was almost a month ago:  waving to us.  I just want to reach out and touch it!  
Second picture is her sweet profile yesterday. ~19 wks
Third picture is her omphalocele.  ~19 wks.
Isn't she beautiful? :)

God is GOOD!  Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes.

What's in a Name?

NO! I have NOT decided on a name yet.  One week, I'm leaning towards one name... the next week I will tell you something completely different. And I'll also tell you each week that yes, that is definitely the name! ha! We have a short list... all M names of course.   And.... I like them ALL!

I made the mistake of asking people which name they liked better - my advice: NEVER do that.  EVERYONE has an opinion, usually bad.  So I will announce it when we've decided.  And boy are people mean about it. What did I learn this week? If ANYONE ever asks me if they like a name, I will tell them YES I love it - whether I do or not! It is their decision.  And that's why we get to name our own kids! And I would never want to hinder someone else's thought process.   Or if you don't like it, you don't have to give a reason why - just say you don't like it. period.

If you had asked me any day in the last 5 years after MC was born what I would have named my next daughter, I would have told you the same name without hesitation.  But now, this baby is showing me God's plan and not my plan.  I can have a plan (aka name) for the past 5 years, and all of a sudden it just doesn't seem to fit the current plan.  So I am open for suggestions, but I assure you I have looked at every name in the book.  Literally.

I will tell you the middle name is Chandley = C (my first initial) + Handley (my maiden name).  A friend in the 11th grade at MSMS once told me I should name my kid that one day.  It was my email login name.    We saw each other's email names so much we made it a habit of calling each other by that name.  Hers was "khill" = kill.  ;)  another was "chopper" ... you get the idea.   Somehow the name stuck.  lol

Oh, I'm also working on upgrading the blog.  Will make it easier to navigate baby's story from everything else.  Very excited about it.

Ponderings...

We saw this video at our church's revival last night.  It.is.awesome.  Francis Chan says EXACTLY what I was trying to say in my last post - only better.

I love when Life Action comes to our church.  God uses them to show us how to apply ourselves in daily activities the way He would want us to.  God speaks to me every time I listen to Mr. Canfield.  This week I am obviously more open to hearing from God.  I am "all ear" as he stated.  Last night he discussed sacrificial love.  "If you place your happiness in the hands of another human being, you are guaranteeing disappointment.   The best thing you can do for your life is to fill your soul with God.  Define disappointment as a call to worship."     The night before, we discussed idols.  For most people he was probably speaking of spouses, co-workers, friends, etc.   For me, God was telling me it was my kids.  Yep - you heard that right - my own kids.  I am one of those mothers who lives and breathes my kids.  I don't think I let it take control of my marriage or any extreme... but yes, I spend more time thinking about them than I do God.  Even when they aren't with me, I'm thinking about something child related... when I could be praying or reading the Bible or working on study homework.

I read the story of Abraham and Isaac to Mati Claire a few weeks ago.  I've heard that story a million times.  And it never really hit me until I read it to my own child for the 100th time.  The children's book that we read has some pictures, and I don't believe they are 100% accurate but it gets the story across to a 4 year old.  Mati Claire saw one of our neighbors burning trash and tree limbs a few weeks ago, and she asked me if he was about to perform a "sac-a-fice" in his front yard.  He was obviously building that fire to put an animal on it.  ;)  There's your MC'ism for the day.  Anyway, back to the other part of the story.  I couldn't figure out WHY God would ask Abraham to sacrifice his own son.  Isaac was the child that he and Sarah had dreamed of, prayed for, and most likely parent-like worshipped (besides God himself).  Isaac was the promised one and I can imagine or even relate to what they felt for Isaac.  Now I know God was testing Abraham to see if he would even do it... but I still couldn't figure out why Isaac?  I think its because it was the one thing on earth that Abraham couldn't stand to lose.  Things are replaceable...but you can't replace a child.  And I think part of what I heard from God last night... is that He's willing to test my willingness with this baby.  I am so afraid of the limits God is pushing me towards.  I'm afraid of the what-ifs.  I'm afraid of the unknown.  I'm afraid for my other two children and how they will be affected by all this (if at all).  Am I willing to still keep God first before any of my children?  And look at what Francis Chan went through by the age of 16! My goodness.   I was/am placing all of my happiness in this one person (or 3).  Its hard for me to see anything past my next doctor's appointment.  And that's where faith comes in.  You can't see it... but we have it.

I had never really paid attention to the lyrics (although I knew most of them) to Third Day's song "Show Me Your Glory."  The second verse says

When I climb down the mountain
and get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again

 The first 2 lines are what stunned me.  GETTING BACK TO MY LIFE.   There is so much to say there that it would take a whole new blog post.   But my point is that I will get to the "other side of the mountain" one day... and perhaps things will be "back to normal" or a new normal... but I'm hoping it will be different in that God has made us stronger and more willing to cross those boundaries.  And not be so afraid.  And who knows what else God will teach me by that point.  I pray God will  give me a better score when I get off my balance beam routine, because right now I am clinging on like Chan demonstrates in the video.

Ok ok ok.  I will get off my drama and show you a pic of those that are putting a smile on my face lately.

 Mattox lost his bowl cut today too... Matt wanted him to have the "big boy haircut".  He's growing up too fast! Someone postpone his birthday because my baby boy is NOT about to turn 2!

O Baby

Sorry this is long.  Where do I begin?  I will say that I was a bit distraught in my last post.  Couldn't see past my own nose.  Couldn't see any preferable future.  But God is doing a number on me!!  And sometimes I think to myself that He is up there smiling on this situation and even laughing (which I would be too if you only knew the things I tell Him).  I truly believe God has a sense of humor.  There is absolutely nothing funny about baby #3's condition, but I got tickled during a prayer and made a joke that He could easily tell me what the gender was... that night I had a dream that it was a girl.  It was the first time I had laughed in 2 weeks.  And today we found out it was a girl!  Mati Claire is SOOOO excited!  She truly believes in Santa Claus now.  #1 on her Christmas list was a baby sister.

In just a few days, we have moved from shock and despair to optimistic.  2 weeks ago, I felt I got the death sentence from Dr. T.  Through the whole appointment, all I can remember hearing her say was that "it may be livable or not livable."  Of course it wasn't until I got home and started researching did I understand what she meant.

Baby Miley has an omphalocele.  "A what?" check out the link.  If you Google it, it will show very unpleasant and disturbing pictures, so I don't recommend that.  Hers appears to be holding her intestines and liver on the outside.  I was blind.  I couldn't see past the grotesque part of the baby to see that it is STILL a beautiful baby that needs help.  I thought I was carrying a "problem child".   Yes - call me a terrible mother for thinking that.  Its amazing just how low your mind will go.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  One mother of an O baby blogged how it was a "bump in the road" when it was diagnosed but still had an awesome attitude.  A bump???  I considered it a pothole.  Or even a landslide.  An earthquake.  I wanted her attitude.  It gets worse...keep reading.

Let me back up.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was covered in psoriasis that itched and burned like I have never felt before.  My skin was on fire.  All I could think about was my medicine and how getting pregnant (which was a slight surprise) ruined any chance for treatment.  I had read that some pregnancies will help but doesn't cure.  This was the first of my babies that I cried over the positive home pregnancy test because it wasn't the right time.  Then within a week later, I started bleeding pretty heavy with the hematoma... I was told to go home and wait to miscarry.  I was put on bedrest and thought that just messed my plans up for my job and the holidays.  I know I know...very selfish.  You don't have to remind me... God does that everyday for me.  Then add nausea and fatigue to the list.  I couldn't get excited over throwing up and living off zofran.  Needless to say, I was never 100% excited.   More like 100% scared...sad. Don't get me wrong... I was happy, but I was also in physical pain.  I couldn't see God's plan.  Then we get diagnosed with the big O!  I mean really, what else can God throw at me? Didn't see that one coming either.

God has somewhat "cured" my psoriasis for a time.  And then it hit me.  He is pulling me out of my nice comfortable bubble that I live in...to show me just how good and how great He is.  Things that only He can do.  He is opening my eyes to a whole new world of living in fear, living for the unseen, and just living on faith.  He is forcing me to trust him on a whole new level...something I had never done before.  I prayed to God to change my attitude and He did!

We prayed for our next appointment with the specialist.  Prayed MANY times a day.  Was reading the story of Daniel to Mati Claire....she asked why he prayed 3 times a day.  I told her we should be praying more than that! Then God asked me, "why are you only praying like this when something bad is happening to you?" .... wow.  Can I get an Amen? Talk about putting me in my place.  I mean I was getting on my knees, going through the correct steps of a good prayer - numerous times a day.  All for baby.  Then I read Angie Smith's book "I Will Carry You."  She mentions the story of Lazarus several times.  In that, Mary and Martha don't ask Jesus to heal Lazarus... they just said "Lazarus is sick."  God already knows the troubles we have.  Jesus already knows what's wrong with baby girl.  Just state the simple fact.... and trust that He will do His job (whether its in your favor or not).  I am trusting that His will be done regardless of what I want.  I find myself saying the same repetitive prayer - and I'm pretty sure God got it the first time I said it.   ;)  God has surrounded me with peace and as much understanding that's allowed.  After a few days, I am only seeing the positive and have a completely new attitude towards this baby.  One I should have had from the beginning.  Please don't misunderstand me.... loving this baby was never a question... I just couldn't get behind the excitement.  Does that make sense?  I told God it was okay to take her if that was His plan and what was best for her.  Part of me can understand death better than a newborn baby suffering like this.  Is that horrible of me to say???

He forced me to look at why was I praying for baby to be healed.  Because deep - WAY deep down - this "problem" would pop our little perfect bubble we live in.  Then I thought there is NO way I could be a good enough mother to this child because I was selfish.  All I could think was how I couldn't take care of it.  I have no clue how to handle a NICU baby.  NG tubes, oxygen tubes, surgeries, respiratory arrest, omphalocele, gastric problems...... I can't handle this.  I...I....I... I....me...me.....me.... talk about selfish.   So why would God choose me?

Because I can handle it.  I will learn how to care for her.  And I have A LOT of love to give her.  A LOT.  And no, I won't be able to hold her for a long time or physically breastfeed her because she will be in the NICU on her back, I won't be able to tickle her belly-button because she won't have one, or blow kisses on her belly because I won't be able to hold her or touch it.  But I can tickle her sweet toes and kiss her on her head and tell her how much I love her.   God is healing my heart and sending me through the valley so I can truly appreciate the miracle on the other side.   And God willing...if everything goes like today's appointment.... she will be okay eventually.

Dr. P had to offer me the right to terminate the pregnancy.  Wow.  I must have been in the pit of hell.  Who could do that if there's a chance it will be made whole in time?  Who could do that period?  I couldn't believe I was sitting there.  Very surreal.

I will have an amniocentesis done in a few weeks to determine if there are any chromosomal abnormalities associated with baby girl.  If there are, her chances of survival are slim.  I am aware that the risk is still higher so I'm not completely delusional.  But we are optimistic because she is such a fighter! She has been hanging on to life since day 1.  I am already proud of her!

We don't know if we will stay in Jackson - that is one of the biggest questions.  Obviously we would like to be close, but we also want experienced surgeons.  Her umbilical cord only has 1 artery and 1 vein (normally has 2 arteries and 1 vein)... so she is very small but Dr. P said that was normal in these babies.  She was too small to see her heart as well as he would have liked, but we will have a fetal echocardiogram done at 20-22 weeks to see if there is a heart defect.    But most of our questions will come down to the amnio results in March.  Please pray for our family.  Again, we are optimistic but its easy to fall into the depression and downside of it.  Pray that God heals us all and keeps us focused on Him.

Facing Fears

I will eventually get around to posting a recent picture of Mati Claire and Mattox.  I have had so much going on that I don't think I've taken any since Christmas morning.

Psoriasis seems to be almost completely gone except for the white spots of new skin that need a tan!
A quick update on baby #3.  Hematoma had shrunk to less than 1cm so Dr. T took me off bedrest! Hallelujah!!!  I haven't bled in a month.  But you know if one problem goes away...it just leaves the door open for another.  I don't feel up for sharing any other information,  but we saw some things on the ultrasound that were not considered normal and I have an appointment with a specialist in a few days.

Which leads me to my title.  What are your fears?  Especially as a mother?  I am going to be brutally honest and blunt.  I fear for my children's safety first.  I think every mother has "gone there" with their thoughts at some point in their life.  I know I have imagined every horrible thing that could ever happen to them because it is such a strong fear.  Death, car wreck, rape, kidnapping, severe trauma, abuse, not breathing as newborns, etc.  My next fear is along the same lines but involving other family members.  The list goes on:  house burning down, my children never finding salvation, burglary, school issues, someone suing me or making a mistake at work, losing a job... you get the idea.

As a mother, I would take each and every bad thing that will ever happen to them upon myself if I could.  I know they have to experience things to learn, but you know what I mean.  I would take it.  After my doctor's appointment, I have done some serious soul-searching.  Some serious crying.  Reading, researching, talking.  And some serious praying.  Usually one asks God, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?  Surprisingly, I didn't ask that this time.  After a few days, my only question was "what purpose does it serve?" "what good can come out of it?"   And I know one of the obvious answers is love.  And I'll get to that.  But as if God was speaking right to me, I thought "to make you face and perhaps live your fear and bring you closer to me."   Some part of me was so afraid... you think you can't live.  To be honest, I couldn't breathe.  We always hear someone say, "I just don't know what I'd do if {insert name of fear} happened to me."   Well, you call on Jesus.  You lean on Him.  I'm telling you that I am staring that fear right smack in the face and the ONLY thing that gives me peace is Jesus.  A lot of times I don't say anything to those who have lost loved ones.  Mainly because I know nothing I say will help them or ease their pain.  I am usually so upset myself, that all I can muster out is "I love you and I'm here for you."  How do I explain what has helped me...... read Phil 4:6-7; Psalm 73:26; Psalm 139; and 1 Peter 4.  I have found myself even more addicted to KLOVE radio (if that was even possible) and caught myself reading the Bible on my phone at red lights.  I am yearning for that peace that I didn't think possible before.  I heard Jesus whispering, "I love you and I'm here for you."

I think as mothers, God blessed us with that special love that we would do anything for our children.  And that is how Jesus loves his children.  He loved us so much that he wanted to take away our pain.  He is truly giving me the 'peace that surpasses all understanding'... after a few days to collect myself.  How could I not lean on Him, when He knows exactly what I'm going through.  As women, we tend to find support groups of friends that understand and have similar experiences.  To me, Jesus has been in my position. He knows pain.

What else have I learned in the past 96 hours?  A.LOT.  Matt and I have discussed things (as much as he will) that I never dreamed we'd be discussing.  We've become even closer -- again, if that was even possible.  Can't imagine what 20 years of marriage will be like ;)   Learned so many medical terms that I've have never heard of, which is bad in our house (Matt knew).  I learned that my praying was off.  I was jumping straight to the "meat" of the prayer and the "I wants" but was forgetting everything else I have to be thankful for.  Didn't realize it, but I was taking my kids for granted in a way - as much as I hate to admit that.  Seriously... in the day to day chaos...do you sit down and just take in your child's beautifulness? Is that even a word?  Not talking about physical beauty either... just at how perfect they are and how all of us are created in His image.  At what a miracle they are.  All of a sudden, I look at my kids in a new light.  God is in every situation - whether we know it or not.

So I am facing a giant fear.  We need every prayer we can get.

How Easy It Is

to forget!!! The doctor can go ahead and label my chart with a 'Caution: Alzheimer's patient' sticker.

1)  Matt had to remind me this morning that it was my birthday.  yep.  Woke me up by telling me Happy Birthday and I actually said "huh?".....what are you talking about?  i had no clue.  My first thoughts consisted of 'i have to get mc dressed, need to get breakfast going, mom's not here so get up...'  btw, Gigi is getting a much needed break from Mattox.  

2)  and no matter how many kids you have... i don't think you ever remember just how BAD you feel with each one.  Because if you did - you certainly wouldn't do it again.  How can I forget that morning sickness doesn't go away at the end of first trimester like "it should."  And just the overall BLAH feeling.  No energy.  Headaches.  Nausea.  Lack of appetite.  Stretching pains.  Back aches.  Lack of mental clarity.    And with each episode of whatever...i say to myself "oh i forgot about that."  

3)  Then I'm eating at a restaurant.  I eat whatever I feel like because nothing goes over well anyway.  My goal when ordering is to find something that won't make me throw up.  Then a friend says "Aren't you pregnant?"  and hinting at the fact that its not on a pregnancy or healthy diet.   I reply by shoving another bite in my mouth.  Yes I am.  But I didn't want to admit the real reason --- i FORGOT!!  I forgot I wasn't suppose to eat feta cheese or shrimp.  Yes, full off pride.  

So if you walk past me and I don't see/recognize/speak to you - it.is.not.you.its.me. I apologize and my brain will hopefully return in approximately 6 months (+plus a few for sleep deprivation).   

So I've edited this post to add this quick story:
MC:  "did your friends forget to come to your party tonight?"
Me: "well, when you get my age you don't really have birthday parties like you do."
MC: "wow...you must be really old then.  my friends wouldn't forget."

yes...i am that old that i would forget my own party. love that little stinker. 

Happy New Year 2012

I am so looking forward to this year! Its not a resolution, but I hope to improve myself physically first.  And I am not talking about losing weight.  My goal is to recover from psoriasis and being on bedrest for pregnancy.  I feel like my body has reached its limit all at once.  I feel like I've been hit from every angle.  And my C-section is not even here yet.  I'll really be begging for mercy then.  I need a haircut, bikini wax, eyebrow wax... oh heck, just give me a total makeover.

I hope to spend as much time with loved ones as I possibly can this year (and every year).  Can't wait to meet a new special baby that I know is a gift from God.  I feel like my excitement is beginning to take over lately and I probably need to reel myself back in... we're not out of the woods yet.

I lost a dear old friend yesterday in Vicksburg.  Shelly was one of the most genuine people I have ever met.  She was the sweetest, nicest, funniest, strongest, and most loyal friend.  She was one of those people that never did anything wrong in her entire life (granted I know we all have) - but I couldn't imagine anything bad ever happening to her.  Some people have said it brings them more sadness, but I find peace in knowing she is in heaven with her mom.  You know Mrs. Donna was there welcoming her.   Shelly was older than me so we never had classes together - in fact, I don't even know how we really met - except our moms worked together - we were just naturally friends.  A true friend.  She will be missed.

I pulled out an old picture album to post one of Shelly and me.  I couldn't find one to do her justice, but if you are ever looking for a very funny and memorable conversation.... let your 4 1/2 year old daughter look through the pictures with you.  It was from 1988 - 1990.  75% of my pictures have something to do with ballet.
MC: "what are you doing here?"
Me:  "I took ballet for many years back then"
MC: "so you were a ballerina?"
Me: "yeah i guess"
MC: "oh.... but now you're a mom."  

MC:  (looking at a picture of me in school) "is that you, mom?"
Me: "yeah"
MC:  "were you special?"
A million things ran through my mind. No, I wasn't special.  I thought about Shelly.  She was special.
 
May we all enjoy the new year.  May we all hug a little tighter, smile a little bigger, pray a little more often, sing a little louder, and drive a little slower.