Monday, April 2, 2012

Give It Up

Ok people.  I think I am turning a corner.  I fear that it is because we have kept receiving good news about Merritt lately.  I can't help but ask myself, 'what if I had different results - what if she had chromosomal problems - or a heart defect to add to this?'  Well, I can't beat myself up for the fact that she doesn't have those.  I think I would feel guilty no matter what happened.  I can't even be happy with the results we've gotten without wondering "Why am I so lucky?"  I would like to think that I would still be praising Jesus' name no matter the outcome.  But I doubt myself because He has answered prayers in my favor.  Would I still be praising God if the situation was different?  If I had lost her already?  Would I be even angrier than I am now?  That's not my circumstance, so I can't really answer that.  But it bothers me.  Just like there are still unknowns in her case.  Again, I can't beat myself up over these "what if's".   I am still learning to trust God and completely give it to Him.  My point???  It has really opened my eyes to the multitude of babies out there who need help.  Call me crazy, but I want to be the next Angelina Jolie visiting orphans in Africa and holding sick babies and just love on them.  I only wish I had Angelina's money to do it.  Obviously, I can't go on a mission trip at the moment ... but I will get there one day.

We attended my grandfather's funeral over the weekend, and it gave Matt and I a chance to talk (which we rarely have).  Matt just handles situations different (which I love about him) but just like a man.  To me, he doesn't seem to worry as much.  And he told me, "We just don't know so why worry about it until that time comes."  Doesn't mean he doesn't care.  I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral.   Because it is what it is.   He died.  For whatever reason, he died.  I'm not being insensitive.  I am just at peace with that situation.  It was time, he wanted to go, and he died in his sleep - I don't think it gets much better than that when it comes to death.  And maybe it took that happening to realize I can not change what is.  I have to accept it.   So why am I okay with that situation and not Merritt's?  Probably the same reason Mattox doesn't understand spankings the same way Mati Claire does - everyone is different - and God knew what would work on me.  

I went to a Beth Moore Bible Study the other day.  We talked about trials and God chastising you.  And she asked if we were "just getting by" or "doing what we can" or "managing our trials".  If we are still trying to manage our problem or our sin, then we haven't given up control or given it to God.  And therefore you are not truly free.  What struck me was not one of her main points.  She said, "If God is chastising you, He is with you!"  Psalm 118:6-9 says "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?  The Lord is with me; he is my helper.  I look in triumph on my enemies."  I thought God had forgotten me at times.  Why would God do this?  But He is still with me, trying to refine something.  In the process, you learn more about God.  And there is a new intimate relationship.  Psalm 118:17-18 says "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.  The Lord has chastened me severely, but He has not given me over to death."  Basically, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?  

Beth goes on to say to cooperate with the chastisement.  I have never heard that before so it was difficult to admit.  He's trying to refine something in you... which means something is not quite right.  And who wants to admit that?   For me, it starts with just accepting it.  If I'm fighting it, then I'm not really giving it up and trusting God.  I am not going to let it control me.  So here's to me accepting it, trying to move forward, and trusting God completely.

As much chaos as my family has had this past week - Dad had to go to the ER but he's fine - funeral - doctor appointments - grandmother's heart surgery - family members traveling - you name it ------ there comes a time to give it ALL to Him!  And pray.  God gives you what He gives you -- it is what it is for a reason.

Not sure if this post is worth sharing, or me just rambling... its just been on my mind lately.

Poppy asked Mati Claire what she found while playing in the cemetery.  She said, "Just some rocks and flowers."  Ahhh.... gotta love what kids say.   

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