Thursday, May 3, 2012

May Day May Day!

I can NOT believe its May already.  This is always the busiest month of the year for me (followed by October).  I'm also 28 weeks now which means I have about 9 weeks left in this pregnancy!  Luckily we have a clear schedule for June in case I get put on bedrest again (lots of Braxton-Hicks contractions).  She checked me the other day and I have not thinned out or dilated (big surprise there - for those of you that don't know - I.Do.Not.Dilate. = I have a cervix made of steel x3.)  I also passed my glucose and iron test! Yay!!!

I have started dreaming about the next phase in this journey.  Last night I dreamed a 93 year old surgeon performed my C-section and Merritt's surgery in a basement.  Ugh.  You can see I'm getting nervous and scared about July.  I have on average 2-3 doctor appointments a week now.  And they are talking about adding more.  I don't know how anyone works in these situations.  Or just in health crisis in general.  So glad mom will be here next week to help!  I have to start getting a BioPhysical Profile (BPP) done twice a week starting at 32 weeks.  Basically, I understand this to be a sonogram that measures and scores Merritt.  She gets 2 points for each of the 4 categories:  breathing, heartbeat, movement, and fluid levels.  Perfect score being 8/8.  I don't think she'll have a problem with the movement category even during her 'down time'.  ;)   I fear I won't be able to bond with her the way I did with my other 2.  I feel like I'm going to "miss out" on her first month(s) of life.  I fear that I will always see her as my "sickly one" - hate to say that but its true.  I pray she proves me wrong every step of the way!  I fear that I can't do anything for her while she lays in a NICU bed totally dependent on machines and surgeons.  I came across a verse on Facebook several months ago and I thought it had Merritt's name written all over it.  Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."  I can just see it above her NICU bed! lol!

Cardiology did call back, however, and wants to see me again.  We were hoping they would be satisfied with what they saw on the last ultrasound (they record/download it to my chart).  BUT... perhaps she just wants to see it for herself and not take Dr. B's word... we will find out in 2 weeks with a repeat echo.  Short version:  Merritt seemingly has "beautiful" blood flow in her heart, but it appears there might be a physical deformity with one of the valves - but they couldn't explain how the blood flow was great if that was the case.  Confusing, I know.  

And yes, I am still getting my blog a makeover.  Can't wait! I'm off the waiting list now so we are emailing back and forth with ideas.

Mati Claire's ballet recital is this weekend and then I am taking her to see my 4D Ultrasound Monday - so I will have plenty of pics to post next time!  I have promised her since Christmas that she could go with me to an appointment (she's very curious how "cameras" see inside my belly)  but I never knew what kind of news they might spring on me and I have been SO glad she has not been at any of my ultrasounds so far.  I didn't want her to see me crying and then have to explain on the spot.  MC knows that baby sister is "sick" and her tummy hurts.  Merritt is big enough now that she has found "her spot" and her omphalocele is so big that it blocks her face most of the time.... hence why Dr. B gets aggravated that he can't see her face to check for signs of abnormalities and other syndromes.  Anyway, I am not expecting to see anything or get a great picture of her face, but I think it will be good for MC to come with me now. It breaks my heart every night to hear MC pray to Jesus that "mommy's tummy and sister's tummy feel better soon and make mommy not tired anymore."

I thought I was doing so much better lately as far as my emotional status.  Then when I have to sit in waiting rooms for hours sometimes, I'm forced to just think.  I see other newborns - healthy newborns - other "sick" babies - other mothers dealing with similar issues - or completely different issues - and I begin to tear up.  Those people probably think I'm a bit crazy.  There's nothing to distract me in the clinics.  At least at home I don't constantly think about this.  I'm too busy cleaning up after 2 toddlers!


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