Tuesday, March 20, 2012

On the Road Again

What should have been one of the best weeks ever, has turned out to be one of the worst since we found out about the omphalocele.  I had put so much pressure on the amnio results.   And they were/are a BIG deal, but 2 seconds after I received them (and still on the phone with the nurse), I realized it was just another step in this journey.  It wasn't a cure.  It wasn't a fix.  She still has an omphalocele.

I'm not trying to get a pity party.  I don't need to hear the 'i'm sorry for what you're going through' speech. I just need to vent.  I need someone to sit there and listen...  and doesn't feel pressed to say anything back.
The blog takes it well. lol!  I write alot of sad things - and I never post them.  I TRY SO HARD to be happy and optimistic and only look at the bright side.  But I won't lie... I definitely have my bad days.  I need someone who truly knows - which there is no one on this planet who can - to tell me everything's gonna be alright.

People said "oh she's fine now."  um... no.  And I know what they meant.  I should be a little more happy about it too.  No, she still has a high risk of all the complications involved with O's.  I feel like we are just beginning.  But yes, she has a much better chance at survival now.  Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled with the results - but it was made clear she still has a long road ahead.  I have to laugh now: it really is a bump in the road.  

I have found so many more O blogs lately.  And I started crying and getting depressed again.  My advice to other O moms: do not read them all the time!  Even the really good successful stories will still make you cry. You find yourself jealous and envious because you hope your story can be that lucky.  It's good to read about other situations, but it.is.not.YOUR.baby.  Every baby is different.  I have found 2 mom's that make me LAUGH.  I may have to stick with just reading those.  I can not wait until I can crack jokes about Merritt's situation.   I haven't reached that point yet - but I'm definitely getting there.  Everytime I sit down to type - all I really want to do is cry.  

I remember the day after we got the news about the O.  I told Matt I wanted to plan a trip to the beach.  Then I read Angie Smith's book.  She went to DisneyWorld.  Granted, my situation is not even close to hers, but very similar in other respects.  I just want to escape.  I want to escape this whole deal.  I want it to go away or be over so bad.  I want to go somewhere that I don't have to think about it.  That I don't have to deal with it.  No, I'm not being a coward --- I am just exhausted.  I am so tired of crying.  I am tired of being angry at no one.  I am tired of dealing with it.  And don't take that out of context.  I am mentally stressed out.  I feel like God may start charging me if I pray one more time ;)  I feel like someone has tossed me into the air and I am free-falling.  Would someone please wake me up from this nightmare?

Baby Merritt has really increased her activity this week.  And I am loving every minute of it.  She reminds me that she has not given up on me yet.  She literally kicks some sense into me.  And I can't give up on her if she hasn't.  I read somewhere that O babies make you slow down and really appreciate every single day of being pregnant with them.  I agree, this is the longest pregnancy ever.  I think we counted 8 ultrasounds in less than 18 weeks and 11 doctor appointments in 20 weeks so far.  And I am only 21 weeks.  Holy smokes I can't imagine what the second half of this journey will hold.

And p.s.  I made my appointment for a prenatal massage and a haircut to de-stress before the next doctor's appointment  :)  I feel like Chevy Chase:  "[after rant]...Hallelujah!... where's the Tylenol?" 

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:29-31.  


Erica said...

Girl!!! Good for you for writing about how you feel. It is good for us to read it, and it's GREAT for you to get it out. I appreciate that you are trying to keep things positive personally and publicly, but that's not really always realistic, and I think it is important to have a safe place to write your feelings and emotions--don't keep them bottled up. Everyone who reads this blog loves you, and we will be there with you every step of the way. If it becomes to intense for anyone, they can choose to not read it. So! Let it all out! I dunno--I think it is always good to get out your gunk so it doesn't build up. And man, I have NO FREAKING CLUE what you are going through or how you are feeling, and I know I can do nothing to make it any better, but please know that I am praying for you and thinking about you and I wish I could just take away all the pain, fear, and sadness. But those feelings are all a part of your experience, and it is important to let yourself feel them, as difficult as they may be. Also, I know this is a personal thing, and I don't know your feelings on it, but therapy is a GREAT way to say whatever you want to say and not have to worry about anyone's response. I couldn't have gotten through Dad's cancer or mom's illness without it. I highly recommend it. :)

Also, please feel free to write, email or call me whenever you want. I promise I'll listen, let you say whatever you want without any judgement, and be easy on the responses. Of course, in leaving this comment, I am responding...but still.

I love you!

Heather Handley Klauber said...

Ha! Great Answer Erica!! Carrie, why don't you get mom/me to watch the kids in early MAY. And you and Matt take a long weekend trip to the beach. Call it a Preparation Trip. We all know that taking kids to the beach is not relaxing. So, just go by yourselves for a few days. It'll give you time to relax, take a break from reality for few days. Just like in the book, even though her baby didn't make it, and she thought going to Disney was running away from the problem....looking back...it's one of the things she can say they "did" with their baby as a whole family. So, I don't think the trip was in vain. It's all part of the journey, every step is necessary for one reason or another. So, I say...if you need the BEACH for a few days before you go through what promises to be one of the best/hardest years of your life...then you take the beach if you want it!