Thursday, June 28, 2012

Music to my ears

Had a bad week emotionally and spiritually.  I was back on rock bottom thinking (once again) that God had passed out all his miracles for the day and that I had reached my limit on mercy.  It took a person/stranger on Facebook (a FB friend that I've never actually met) to remind me: "God chose YOU to be her parent.  He knew that she would get to walk a difficult journey at the beginning of her life and He CHOSE you to walk it with her.  What an honor.  He knows YOU can handle it...He will give you the strength."   Thank you, Danielle, for those words!

I began to think I saw a shimmer of light at the bottom of the hole I dug myself into.  I kept praying for God to bring me out of this depression and help me be a better parent.  I was failing the 2 kids already here by ignoring them (or I felt I was ignoring them - don't worry this is not actual neglect).  

Last night I decided to rest on the couch after I put the kids to bed.  No TV.  No Facebook.  No blog.  No phone.  Well, sort of.  I was sitting in complete darkness and silence.  Turned on my Pandora radio to the Contemporary Christian station on my iPhone and threw it onto my lap.  I wasn't really feeling the music for several songs.  Then all of a sudden I noticed Merritt was going BESERK over a Chris Tomlin song.  Wow.  So many thoughts went through my mind.

#1:  I had forgotten that she is still a NORMAL baby.  When I was pregnant with Mati Claire, she had a thing for the 80's hair bands like Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, and Def Leppard.  She also liked church music on Sunday mornings.  Mattox liked country music after some serious coercing.  He never responded to music in general but I forced him to pick something.  I would blare any music loud until he would move...and country it was.  Merritt, well, she has good taste too! LOL!  

#2:  God used that song to remind me that His mercy never stops and His glory is everywhere.  So just when I thought I had run out of His love - He keeps giving it!  I may be surprised at what happens in this journey, but He isn't. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11.  I look forward to the day when I'm with Jesus and there are no more tears! 

#3:  I learned this week that I am very lucky to have experienced this journey so far.  C.R.A.Z.Y. I know.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I had no idea what kind of love we're capable of.  What God is capable of.  The testing of your faith really does make you stronger.  Yes I have bad and sad days but I don't doubt His love for me.  Songs that I didn't understand before or couldn't relate to - make sense now.  I thought before if I put my trust in Him, then it seemed to me that I was giving up.  Like I didn't care.  But it's the opposite.  I care TOO much, and at the same time I realize I have NO control.  So I will sit back and watch what God will do.  Whether its good or bad.  It is HIS plan.  

Sorry, I know this is getting long.  I was looking at a new baby the other day in the dr.'s office.  And maybe the fact that this enters my mind every time means that I am, but I have never become jealous over it.  As soon as the thought enters my mind, it leaves just as quick.  I've had alot of people ask if it bothers me to be around other babies - "normal" babies.  Not at all!  I have been there and done that.  Twice!  For some reason, God thinks I have what it takes to care for a special needs baby that needs extra care.  I don't see how He sees that considering I have 2 older kids that also need attention.  But God still gave her to me anyway.  And who am I to argue with that?  So He sees something that I don't.  

Yes, I would love to change the health status of Merritt but I wouldn't change a thing about how it's improved my faith.  As hard as it is to get there.  

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1 comment:

danielle said...

you are a great mom! praying for you!!!